Thursday, April 1, 2010

Alternate Version Blogfest Entry

Hello. I found this blogfest a little while ago and it attracted my interest at once. This is not something I'd considered in the past, but the idea was so good that I had to try. Plus, the section of novel that I'm going to post was used as a short story that received a review saying I should get rid of all paranormal elements. The reviewer said it would be better that way. So, here you go, my lucky viewers. You get to read another piece of my writing used in a blogfest. Sorry if they ended up a bit long. Couldn't help it.

The Blogfest = Alternate Version
blogfest announcement

How it works:
Post a short passage from your WIP, and then an alternate version of it in a different style.

The Novel: Fallen (WIP title, still looking for a better one)
Angel and Demon main characters. This section is from the Angel's POV after he almost sinned when meeting the Demon one for the first time. And yes, I let my angels be gay and it's okay. :-)


1st Version - The Confession - Paranormal//Fantasy

"I thank you for your silence. I hope that you have considered upon and sought forgiveness from your brother, Muriel. Do you have anything you wish to confess?" Omniel, the leader in the sect of angels, spoke in a calm tone.

Elijah nodded, glancing around the circle. "I do have a confession. But it entails more than thought. Yesterday, a friend of mine let me borrow some clothes. Then I went to the Hell's Club, looking to sin."

Everyone in the circle stared at him.

"I started at the bar," Elijah continued, unsure what everyone might think. "It was a struggle but finally the bartender made me a drink minus the alcohol. However, I had drawn some attention from the owner of the club. He had someone bring me to his office."

"You spoke with the owner of Hell's Club? He's a class 2 demon." Omniel sounded both impressed and worried.

Elijah nodded. "Yeah. Actually, he was really nice."

"Nice?" Sophia sounded freaked. She had been his only chance for a sympathetic member but it seemed she wasn't going to help him.

"He offered to help me get whatever I wanted." He smiled at the memory. "Alcohol, drugs... women."

He had them at the edge of their seats. All afraid at what he had chosen.

"Then he told me that I could have fun without sin. So, I went up to someone and asked them to dance."

Muriel sounded disappointed. "You danced with someone? That's it?"

Elijah had to control his excitement. He hadn't quite let out the big secret and he wanted to leave it to the very end. "Well. We started dancing real close, our bodies touching and soon our lips followed. It felt so good. I missed having someone touch me like that, kiss me. After awhile we stopped dancing and made out."

He glanced around the circle to see all eyes on him. Some looked disgusted but a few others seemed interested. Muriel looked beyond disturbed, already.

"I had been given a key to a back room, so we went back there and got even closer."

"How close?" Sophia interjected, she sounded concerned but intrigued.

"Very close." Elijah continued, "We started taking off clothes until all we had left on was our underwear. Lying on the bed we kissed again." He knew he had worked the story up to the right amount of suspense. "But I couldn't do it."

"How did she respond?" Sophia asked.

This was it; the moment. "Better than I thought. He said he understood and after we got dressed he walked me home."

He sat back and blushed a bit at the silence as everyone stared beyond stunned. The only one that didn't look surprised was Omniel. The rest of them looked uncomfortable.

"He?" Muriel was the first to speak his disgust.

Before he could answer back, Omniel interrupted. "Thank you, Elijah, for sharing. You have done well."



2nd Version - The Confession - Mainstream/General Fiction


No one spoke as Elijah took his seat. Confessions at the sexual orientation conversion facility were similar to AA meetings. They all sat in a circle, sharing to each other and the supervisor their temptations and thoughts of sin. No one actually went through with the sin during their stays at the facility, but some came close. The meetings usually involved the same drivel with the only accomplishments being the lack of 'self love' but not today. Today, Elijah had something to confess.

"I welcome you, sons and daughters of God, during this holy day of vigilince to our Father in heaven. May we give praise." Omniel, the supervisor, chanted the same greeting every sunday."Does anyone have anything to confess?"

No one wanted to speak first, so Elijah nodded and raised his hand. "I have a confession. One that entails more than thought. Yesterday, I went to Hell's Club, looking to meet someone."

Everyone in the circle stared at him.

"I started at the bar," Elijah continued, unsure what everyone might think about him now. "I almost ordered a drink but changed my mind."

Elijah had to control his nerves as he confessed. "I found a man I thought was attractive and asked him to dance. We started dancing with our bodies touching and soon our lips followed. It felt so good. After awhile we gave up on the dancing and made out."

He glanced around the circle to see all eyes on him.

"He lived nearby so we went to his place and got even closer."

"How close?" Sophia interjected, she sounded concerned and yet interested.

"Very close." Elijah continued, "We started taking off clothes until all we had left on was our underwear. Lying on the bed we kissed again." He knew he had worked the story up to the right amount of suspense. "But I couldn't do it."

"How did he respond?" Sophia asked.

He couldn't help but smile at the memory. "Better than I thought. He said he understood and after we got dressed he walked me home."

Omniel made a note before speaking. "Thank you, Elijah, for your confession. You have done well."

9 comments:

Amalia T. said...

I think this is more powerful without the paranormal elements, as well. Very interesting idea, though, with the angels!

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

Hi Dawn~

It's Nicki D from WDC! How are you? I'm playing along in this blogfest too. I enjoyed your two versions very much. Great premise. I thought the pacing was stronger in the first version, and I liked the angels and demons aspect.

Nice to find you in the blogosphere :)

Raquel Byrnes said...

The angels and demons made me think of Buffy! I thught it was great!

I agree with Amalia T. though, the second entry is very powerful.

Great work!

maybe genius said...

I echo the others - the second version is more sad and heart-wrenching. The first seemed more like he was just having a fun time ribbing all the prissy angels, lol.

Nice job :)

Peta Jinnath Andersen said...

I'm definitely curious about where this story is going, Dawn!

I like both versions, though I think the first one it was easier to get inside Elijah's head, the second easier to draw conclusions from the other characters' reactions. It's hard work to do any of that, anytime - great job!

Word verification: wingly. Seems kind of fitting with angel wings!

Dawn Embers said...

Thanks everyone for the comments. I appreciate every single one.

Small confession: never saw Buffy. lol

I don't have much work on the novel done at this point but nice to see that certain elements of the character and such work for readers. I really like the character and maybe once I'm done with my current WIP I can write more in Fallen. Elijah's section is the next in line and I can't wait.

Jen Brubacher said...

Great idea, to represent angels and then people who aspire to angelic standards. I think I preferred the first version, with Elijah's cheekiness!

Roland D. Yeomans said...

I was drawn in more by the second version, but that's just me.

I believe I got into this fun too late to join. That'll teach me to be a blood courier, driving rare blood all over creation, right? Roland

Margo said...

What an intriguing change, Dawn! What's most interesting is that the dialogue didn't change much, if at all, between the two. But if this were a film or stage production, they'd probably be delivered very differently.

I think I'd like the second one if I got from his character that he'd continue to reject the "system" he's been thrown into. (But maybe that's just the rebel in me.)

Thanks for adding to the alt fun!