Friday, April 9, 2010

Murder Scene

Another blogfest entry though it will be one of the last few in a while on this particular blog. This time, it's a murder scene thanks to an awesome blogger.
Blog for Murder Fest

I don't often show murders or much violence in my writing. Even in the mystery novel that I'm working on, the murder isn't seen. It happens off stage. When I first came upon the blogfest, I wasn't sure if I'd have anything to post. Then I remembered, at the very end of the novel I was working on at the time the antagonist dies. So, here I have something to post. It technically is a bit of a Spoiler but that's okay. Enjoy!

The Novel: Standing Ground

Background information: The antagonist had kidnapped Noah's boyfriend, father and brother. Noah tried to save them but failed the first time. Now, him and Bastian(boyfriend) manage to break out and  solve the dilemma that was keeping them from breaking out earlier. Noah electrocuted him once, Valk (the antagonist), but is reluctant to finish him off. Oh, and there is a gun on the table, mentioned before the section I'm posting.

*Warning* This is a first draft. Not edited or rewritten. So, bear that in mind. 

The scene:

Valk began to move. The shaking had subsided but he still groaned from the pain he'd experienced. He struggled, pulling himself to his knees. It took him a few minutes before he was able to settle on his knees and look up at Noah.

"Now you're done." Noah said, breaking the silence. He had another bolt of energy ready but his anger waned seeing the damage he'd already caused. Even though he hated Valk, he still couldn't find enough reason to kill him.

"Noah, finish him off. You can do it." Bastian spoke, yelling down from his position of clutching the railing.

He raised his hand towards Valk as the man started to pull his body across the floor towards a table near the panel of computers. Noah watched but wasn't able to go through with it. The memories of the few good things Valk had done for him were enough to make his death unwarranted.

Valk made it to the table and started to pull himself up.

Noah dimmed the energy, no longer resolved to act, but kept a little prepared just in case.

"What are you doing?" Bastian sounded concerned. "He has a weapon. Do something."

But he didn't do what Bastian wanted. Instead, Noah spoke in Valk's direction. "Don't even think about it, Valk. You're done, accept it and face the consequences for your actions."

Valk didn't speak as he stood up. His gaze settled on Noah as his hand rested on the table.

A cracking sound echoed through the room and Valk collapsed on the floor. Blood started to ooze from his lifeless body.

Noah stared, his mouth open as his stomach wrenched. The look on Valk's face remained etched in his mind as he stared down at the body before looking upward in Bastian's direction. Bastian stood, holding himself steady with one hand on the rail, the gun still aimed downward in his other hand.


Tara said...

I like the innocence of Noah here. Great way to show his character!

Harley D. Palmer said...

Very nice! I don't think it really gives too much away as there is so much left to explain after this! Great stuff!

Heather said...

I agree with Tara - Noah seems very innocent, and Bastian knew that he had to do what Noah wasn't capable of. I would love to see what happens in their relationship after this. Nice job!

sarahjayne smythe said...

Great detail here. It pulled me into the scene. And I like Noah very much. I feel for him. Great job. :)

Anne Riley said...

Great job, Dawn! So glad you participated. Great to have you!

Amalia T. said...

I agree that this didn't feel like anything was spoiled! I think it raises a lot of questions-- especially about the good things Valk had done that stayed Noah, and what brought Valk to this point as an antagonist. Nicely done.

Raquel Byrnes said...

Nice job with the vastly different character types. I loved the ending.

VR Barkowski said...

Terrific characterizations - Noah is very appealing - and a riveting ending. Maybe I should say non-ending since now I want to know what's going to happen next. Very nice work!

Elaine AM Smith said...

Your detailed descriptions meant I could visualise it so well. I'm with Bastien sometimes it is better to be safe than sorry - other wise there'd be a different kind of twist in the story.

Iapetus999 said...

Done and done.
At least this time I'm paying attention to who's who :)

Let's face it, Valk had it coming.

Nice job!

Roland D. Yeomans said...

I, too, believe you didn't spoil anything. It does make you root for Noah, though Elaine is right when dealing with those to whom life is cheap.

Your writing is riveting and your dialogue believable, seamlessly interlocking with the action. You have talent.

If you have the time, come check out my entry into the murder scene fest : It is set in 1853 aboard a transatlantic steamer bound for Paris with more than one killer looking for prey.
Thanks, Roland

Dawn Embers said...

Thank you, everyone for the kind responses. It's encouraging that the first draft scenes are so well received.


Anonymous said...

Great description! I agree that nothing was given away!